Mom, CEO

This fall applied for a job. It was sort of an act of faith--I wasn't sure if I was ready to work more than I am (it was only part-time, but still more hours than I usually work). But I felt led to give it a go, thinking that I was at least worthy of an interview.

Well, I did not get an interview. Which is kind of a blow to one's ego. And then a person starts wondering if a mother of five who has worked from home for 14 years will ever get an interview for anything. I read just yesterday that mothers who take more than 10 years out of the work force have a much harder time getting hired than those who take between five and ten.

Don't get me wrong. I made the choice to be home with my kids, and I love it. I have loved being home for almost every minute of their baby and toddlerhood. I've had a lot of freedom to schedule my days and pursue many different interests. And I realize that a person can't have both: you can pour yourself into a career and not have kids, or you can pour yourself into kids and not have much of a career, or you can try to balance the two but always feel like you're cheating someone or should be somewhere else. But you can't have a high-powered career and be a stay at home mom at the same time (a lucky few manage to stay home for a few years and have a high-powered career before and after those years, but that is not easy to do). And of course it is a luxury and a blessing to be able to stay home with my kids--a luxury and blessing that many people do not have. I am thankful.

Who wouldn't want to be home to capture moments like this?

And be able to go on fun outings with your kids on weekdays?

But there are moments when I wish for the benefits I would have if I had chosen a career instead of staying home. The fulfillment of doing something that lasts longer than my empty laundry basket or clean kitchen. The benefits of a supervisor telling me I've done well. A paycheck. An adult conversation. Being part of a team. An escape out of talk of potty training and picky eaters into the "real" world. And, yes, the ego-building of having a title, of having written or said something that other people care about.

So, what does a stay at home mom do in these moments? All too often, I think we turn mothering into a career. We make choices that give us fulfillment or feed our egos rather than serving our children. From the outside we look like supermom, but sometimes we are using our children to meet our own selfish ends.

What does that look like? I think when our kids want us to sit down and play a game with them, but we instead scour Pinterest for ideas and then spend two hours making a game, which we then take and pictures of to post to our blog, that is feeding our egos instead of serving our kids. When our kids want us to sit down and let them serve us their imaginary food, but we make felt food upgrades to impress our fellow crafty moms, that is ultimately serving ourselves rather than them. When our kids want to color with mom, and we instead find an idea online, make a trip to the craft store (where our kids have a tantrum and we get aggravated with them), and then get home and are too tired to even do the craft, we've failed to capture a special moment with our kids because we wanted to do things that would capture our interest instead of theirs. If our kids ask to play with play doh and we instead spend all morning making a "sensory bin" that keeps their interest for about five minutes, we haven't tended to their needs and interests, we've tended to your own.

There is of course nothing wrong with Pinterest, or mom blogs, or elaborate crafts. It is good to do all our work, parenting or otherwise, with excellence. And there is nothing wrong with trying to make the work of parenting more interesting for ourselves. But I think sometimes we scour Pinterest for the best ideas and then post our efforts to a mom blog out of a desire to 1) find fulfillment in our kids--who while they are fulfilling, should not be where we look for fulfillment (that's a way of using them). Our kids are a sacred gift for us to tend, not a career or a path to self-actualization; 2) feel better about ourselves by seeking a pat on the back from our fellow moms who are impressed by our efforts; 3) do the things we want to do rather than the things our kids want us to do. Sometimes they ask for a simple activity and we give them way too much--getting stressed and grumpy in the process. Sometimes we forget to listen to what they want, instead imposing on them what we want or what will make us feel good.

Maybe in the end it's not so much about what we do, but being honest about our motives. If you want to crochet a kitchen's worth of food for your kids because you like to crochet food, then by all means do it--just realize that this is your hobby, and your kids don't care if their play food is made of air, plastic, or fancy crochet. But they do care if mom is too busy with her hobby to be served at their "restaurant." If you want to have a mom blog because you love it, then do it--but don't sacrifice your kids on the altar of your ego by embarrassing them or spending so much time blogging that you neglect your children in the process. If you want to make a fun craft from Pinterest, do it because you want to, not because you think your kids need it (they probably don't) or because you need someone to tell you how wonderful you are.

I'm not arguing here for a more kid-centered approach to life. In fact, just the opposite, I'm arguing for a less kid-centered approach. If we were to stop making a career out of our kids, I think we'd end up with more time. If we listened to what the kids want from us (an hour of us playing with them) rather than spending an hour online finding a clever idea to do with our kids, we would have filled up their love tanks during that hour by getting down on the floor and playing with them, and then when the hour is up we would be able to pursue our own interests while they pursue theirs.

And if we did make time to pursue our own interests, maybe our kids would end up happier too. They would get a mom who listened to them and did the simple things they were asking for rather than a mom who constantly stressed herself out trying to be supermom. They would get a mom who had interests of her own and showed them what it is like to find out what you like to do and have the discipline to do it, rather than always seeking approval of someone else. They would be released from the pressure of being mom's "project" or life-fulfiller. And let's face it, those are roles no one should be asked to fulfill.

An Unexpected Blessing

Have you ever reacted to something differently than you thought you would? Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones, but I am ashamed to admit that when I found out my fourth baby was going to be a boy, after having three girls, I cried. I was surprised. And scared. I knew how to do girls. They were like me. But a boy? What on earth would I do with a boy? And how could he possibly turn out normal in a family of all girls? Would I have to buy him dinosaurs? Because I really don't like dinosaurs--I think they are icky.

A few days later the dust settled and I decided I would just not encourage any dinosaur toys, and I felt a little better. I figured a baby is a baby, and I could do babies, and we'd figure out the whole boy thing as we went along.

Surprisingly, having a boy felt different to me from day one. I had a sense that he and I had a bond that was meant to prepare him to move away from me in a way that was different from the girls. With daughters, you'll always have "girl things" in common with them. But with boys, they grow up and move on to be a man with a family of their own. And that reality somehow makes the bond you have with them all the more sweet. Maybe it seems unexpected in some way.

But the thing I was most unprepared for was the way a boy melts your heart when he brings you a bouquet of flowers. You expect girls to pick you flowers, and you know they like the flowers as much as you do. But boys? Somehow it seems like it was just done for you.

I didn't know I needed a boy, but God did. I didn't know how wonderful and sweet boys could be, but God did. And I didn't know that my life wasn't complete without this sweet face in it to challenge me and light up my life, but God did. I'm so thankful He gives us what we need rather than what we ask for!

What about Practicing? part 3

Practicing. The word probably brings you back to your own childhood, to days spent inside chained to your instrument while you listened to the neighborhood kids playing outside. Once you've decided to invest in music lessons for your child, you face the task of getting them to practice so your money isn't wasted.

Any way you look at it, some days your kids just don't want to practice. It is sometimes a chore. It is often difficult. It is occasionally close to torture, and if your kids feel that way then usually you do too. But it has to be done. So, how can we make it more fun? Some of these tips will apply mainly to Suzuki parents, but lots of them can apply to anyone who takes music lessons.

1) Rewards and charts. Some kids are motivated by putting a sticker on a practice chart, keeping track of consecutive days of practice, or adding up practice minutes per week. Put pieces in a Mr. Potato Head for each successful repetition. On a particularly difficult piece, give M&Ms or mini marshmallows for each good repetition. These can help them persevere on boring days. Ask your teacher if they'll set up a reward system or help your child set a goal and provide a reward for reaching that goal.

2) Add in unpredictability. If they're well into a Suzuki book, have your child pull numbers or song titles out of a hat and play them in that order. Or if they're learning a difficult piece, number each line and pull a number out of a hat and play the line that matches that number. Create a game spinner with musical keys and have then play the scale of the number they spin. Roll a die to determine how many times to play a piece. Anything to make it feel like the parent isn't controlling every aspect of practicing helps.

3) Break up the practice session. Sometimes I can only fight the "time to practice" battle once in a day, and in that case I do all the practicing in one shot. But sometimes, especially with younger kids or when we have a lot of activities in one day, it's nice to break it into 10- or 15-minute increments. Long enough to accomplish something, but short enough to keep it interesting.

4) Focus on one thing each day. I'm notorious for disobeying this rule, but it is best to focus on one thing per practice session--hand position, steady beat, dynamics, or whatever. At least try to keep it to one thing to concentrate on for each piece. Perhaps the Debussy needs dynamics and the Chopin needs slow metronome work. Don't try to do everything at once. Manageable, achievable goals help keep kids motivated and make them feel like they are accomplishing something.

5) Building off of #4, Focus on something for each piece. Don't just treat a practice session as a list of boxes to check off or you will both be bored. Unless a piece is merely for review, there is always something to have the child concentrate on: hand position, dynamics, steady beat, expression... Find clever adjectives to help it be more interesting: "pretend like your fingers are fairies dancing across the keys on this one"; "pretend like I'm trying to dance to this one--slow down so I can keep up"; "make this one sound like a stream flowing down the mountain."

6) Let (or make) them perform often. Maybe the child should play for the non-practicing parent each week. If grandma comes to visit, that's a great time for a recital. Performing reminds kids of why they are practicing (to perfect the piece) and helps them become more comfortable with the idea of performing.

7) Let them choose some of their music. Kids need to play standard repertoire, but as they get a little further with their instrument it's great to let them choose songs they want to play and even try their hand at improvising. Playing "fun" stuff reminds them of why they are working so hard--so they can get to the point where everything they play is something they've chosen to play.

8) Praise, praise, praise. Here's another one I'm not good at. Kids will love playing and tolerate practicing if at the end of their time they feel good about what they've done. Find something positive to say at the end of each piece.

9) Build community. Some instruments are mainly ensemble instruments, and in that case there is built-in community. But some instruments, like piano, can be isolating. Find places and opportunities for your child to play with other people. Send them to music camp. Play sibling or parent/child duets. Let them improvise with other kids or try their hand at accompanying a soloist or their school orchestra.

10) Provide many opportunities to hear beautiful music. Go to concerts, listen to a variety of types of music in the car, and let them hear older children play.

Your turn: What are your best practicing tips? How do you help your child stay motivated?

Which Music Lessons? part 2

I hope you read yesterday's post about why we spend our money on music lessons rather than on something else. Today we're talking about the different kinds of lessons you can choose. For Suzuki case studies, see the videos at the end!

Once we had made the decision--or perhaps I should say fallen into the decision, because somehow it felt more like a compulsion and less like a choice--to put our then-three-year-old daughter into music lessons, the question was what kind. In music instruction, you kind of get what you pay for and you definitely get what you put in as far as practicing. You can luck out with a very talented high schooler who only charges you $10/lesson and has a knack for teaching and a child who loves to practice an hour a day, but for most of us that doesn't fall into our laps. The basic types of music instruction are:

1) Traditional lessons. You start these around age 6 or above, when the child has a grasp of reading and can therefore learn to "read" the notes right off the bat. This is how I learned, and I progressed at probably an average rate and after 7 years could pluck out a hymn with lots of practice and work really hard at the simplest Chopin pieces for a recital. I was okay, but I certainly didn't have the knowledge or confidence to accompany our high school choir or anything like that.

2) Suzuki lessons. These lessons start at age 4 or 5 (I recommend age 5 for boys). This type of music instruction is based on the idea that young children can learn music the same way they learn language--by hearing it and imitating it. Each day they listen to a CD of the pieces they are learning, so when they come to learn the next piece in the book they already know how it should sound and can learn by ear. The student has a private lesson and a group lesson each week, and there is a huge emphasis on regular performance. The Suzuki student can play impressive pieces at a young age and always has two or three memorized pieces they can play at a moment's notice.

One of the complaints about Suzuki instruction is that kids don't learn to read music. This has not been true in our experience. For the first year (age 4 to age 5) they are learning their first 18 or so pieces, the music in book one. Then they have a recital in which they play all of those pieces in order. Learning book one well enough to have your recital takes one or two years, usually. When that is completed, students begin to learn to read music from a typical note-reading curriculum while also moving on to Suzuki book two, which is much harder than book one but miraculously (it seems miraculous to the parent, anyway), they can do it. It takes a few years for their sight reading to catch up with the Suzuki pieces they learn mainly by ear, but around book three or four it does catch up. I'm not saying they can sit down and play any piece perfectly the first time, but then I couldn't do that with my traditional lessons either!

The other important piece of Suzuki instruction is that the parent practices with the child each day and attends each lesson. If you are a really good Suzuki parent you sit with your child and practice each piece with them, reminding them of what the teacher said and making sure the student plays it correctly. I am not a really good Suzuki parent. When my first child started taking lessons the week she turned four, I had a four-month-old baby to attend to during practice sessions. Now I have four kids in Suzuki lessons, and I am often making dinner while a child is practicing. On a given day I am 80 or 90 percent attentive to the youngest child, 60 percent attentive to two of the others, and not even present for the last child. That's life. But we muddle along and they are doing well in spite of that.

3) Yamaha lessons. I don't know much of anything about these, but my limited research indicates that for the first two years kids are only given group instruction, and then they move into private lessons after that. There is combined emphasis on ear training and note reading, I think. If I'm right in saying that they start out with only group lessons then I'd guess kids move more slowly than they would in Suzuki, but have a better ear than kids with only traditional lessons.

4) Early childhood music. There are kindermusik and similar programs for younger kids, from baby up to about six, and I love these classes. They are fun parent-child bonding, and they teach kids the basics of music (fast/slow, loud/soft, matching pitches, rhythm patterns, and the like). It's organized musical playtime you do with your child. All my kids took various early childhood music classes, and I think it set them up to do better in formal music instruction. But even if the child never takes formal music lessons, early childhood music classes are a great thing to do. I thought they were more fun and interesting than the mom-and-me tumbling classes we took.

Since you're probably familiar with how kids sound who take traditional lessons, I'll give you a few cases studies of how Suzuki kids play and let you draw your own conclusions. This first one is Bethany at 7 1/2 years, which means she had been taking lessons for 3.5 years. I love the glare she throws over her shoulder when the audience applauds between movements.

This one is Alison at the same recital, so she was 4 (almost 5) and had been taking for less than a year. I don't know why we let her play a piece that she didn't yet know the left hand of. But she's got poise and great accents where they belong!

And these are from a year ago. Alison at age 9, after 5 years of instruction.

Bethany at 12, having taken for 8 years.

Meredith's performance at last year's recital wasn't great, so somehow the only video we have of her playing is this one, from when she was 6. It's not a Suzuki piece, so this shows her sight reading level after 1 year of music reading (2.5 years of total instruction).

Up tomorrow: practicing tips. If you have any questions related to music and kids, send them my way and I'll try to answer them!

Why Music Lessons? Part 1

Hey, what do you know, I can still access this blog after so many months off! Today's post is inspired by a conversation I've had many times with many different people about music lessons. Tune in the rest of this week for more on the topic! These are my impressions and experiences, and will probably not match everyone's experiences.

We spend an awful lot of money on piano lessons for our oldest four children. As in, way more than we spend on anything else except the mortgage. It's rather alarming, really, in a one-and-a-quarter income family. So the question comes up, why? Here's our answer:

1) Music is a whole-life skill. I think music is one of the only things that kids need to start early to be good at and will pursue for their whole lives. Sports are great, and if a kid is going to be a professional athlete I'm sure it's important to start on the early side. But at some point your body starts to wear out and you lose some of your ability, and many sports you can pick up for recreation at any point in your life and improve. Music, while you can start later, you will make much slower progress because your brain isn't as agile as a child's.

2) Music makes you smart. Music is good for kids' brains, so you're helping them with things like discipline and perseverance AND you're making them smarter. For proof, read articles here and here. Music lessons are sort a one-stop shop for lots of great things--character development, brain boosting, and self-confidence, to name a few.

3) Music gives you self-esteem. It's really nice for kids to have something they feel good about. Recitals may not be my favorite way to spend my Sunday, but what a great thing for my kids to regularly perform by themselves, conquer their fears, and succeed at. And on the rare occasions when they don't succeed, they learn that the world doesn't end just because they didn't do as well as they wanted to, and they usually practice more before the next recital.

4) Music makes you more sensitive. It teaches kids to pay attention to sound, to play soft and loud, to express their feelings in a different way. One of my kids I thought at 5 needed a little softening, and I think music has done that.

5) Music teaches discipline. I'm putting this one toward the end because I think there are a lot of kids' activities that do this. Anything they have to work at and struggle through is good for them in the long run. Music is the arena I've chosen for my kids to learn these life lessons in.

6) Music trains them for worship. When our oldest child showed unusual music perception, it felt like it would be poor stewardship of the gifts God has given us to not start her in music lessons. And part of that is because I want the next generation of believers to have educated musicians to lead them in worship. And people sitting in the pews who can read a line of music. And people who appreciate classical music as well as the latest praise song. Even if you're not a Christian, music has the ability to touch us and move us as nothing else can, so it's important for a culture and a society to have skilled musicians and educated music-appreciators.

Come back tomorrow for part 2 of this series, what the Suzuki method is like.