When Compromise Isn't Possible

The general wisdom is that marriage is made up of a lot of little compromises. And that is true. You compromise on how to schedule your days, on who should do which chores, and which mother's banana bread recipe you will use.

But sometimes you can't compromise. You'll either spend your money this way or that way, and you can't do both. You'll either vacation in one place or another this year. The two activities you want to sign your kid up for are at the same time, so you have to pick one or the other. Some of these decisions don't matter much in the long run, and you're happy to go with the flow and give in, seeing possible benefits to the choice that wasn't your first. But what about the times when compromise isn't possible and it is clear to each of you that your way is the right way, and your partner's way will have some bad long-range consequences that you don't want to face? What then?

Of course there are no one-size-fits-all answers here. Some of these decisions are big and damaging, and I can't begin to address those. Sometimes there is a moral right or wrong, and obviously we are never called to support a morally wrong decision. Definitely call a professional to help you walk through those things.

But some of these no-compromise decisions are not that big in the long run, but they feel big to us. When I recently found myself disagreeing with a decision my husband made, I had some choices to make about how to respond. Maybe some of what I learned is generally helpful in these no-compromise situations where you don't get your way.

1) Pray. I prayed both for the ability to understand my husband's perspective and for things to turn out well for our family. Not only do our prayers cause God to act on our behalf, but they also help us be at peace. God knows what is best, and he will work things out for those who love him. Perhaps some of the things I fear will come true, and perhaps this wasn't the best decision. Even then God can redeem it. He can make this turn out for the best.

2) Have a civilized, kind, calm discussion about your concerns, but once the decision has been made, leave the decision in the past. Move forward and don't continually bring it up and gripe about it. Even if you turn out to have been right, don't repeatedly say so. This one is very hard. But the price you'll pay for harping is too high. It will damage your marriage and make moving forward in life and in your relationship much harder.

3) Continue to go through the motions. Last night was pizza night, a time-honored tradition in our marriage. I didn't want to have this "date," but we did it anyway. Marriage has its ups and downs, and on some level we need to keep acting like we're getting along even when we aren't. Because that is how we find our way back to one another. If we let the traditions and romance slip, it becomes easier and easier to not bring it back. And then a little disagreement turns into something much bigger and harder to recover from.

4) Support the decision. Here again, you have to put your feelings aside for the good of your relationship. The kids and the world need to see you as a unit, supporting one another. Speak well of your spouse. Think of and give thanks for all the things you love about him or her, and all the things you agree on. Find a proactive way to make the best of the decision you don't agree with: Organize yourself for the purchase you didn't want to make. Buy a vacation planner for the trip you aren't excited about. Help your child be excited about the activity you signed up for by going out and buying the equipment they'll need. Or help them deal with the disappointment of the decision that wasn't their first choice by planning something else fun. I did not do a good job on this yesterday, so it's time to give myself grace for my attitude and make a fresh start. No more whining.

5) Take care of yourself. If the no-compromise decision makes life harder for you in some way, give yourself grace. Plan an afternoon of pampering or a weekend away. Get together with friends for fun and moral support (but not whining!). Give yourself a treat not as a "you owe me this" kind of thing, but as a way to acknowledge that you're mourning a loss and need to be allowed to do so. If we don't take care of ourselves, we won't be able to move on and support our spouse. In that sense maybe I should've listed this one as number 2!

Your turn: What do you do when you can't come to agreement and a decision has to be made? I'd love to hear your solutions!

Mondays with Martha: Abby's Favorite Home Space

The highly talented and creative Abby blogs over at To Form a More Perfect Union. Her blog is fabulous and oh-so-inspiring. And she's such a wonderful person. Abby was kind enough to send me a picture of her favorite place in her home.

Look at that natural light! And the cute cabinet in the corner. And that light fixture. Love it. And I happen to know she cooks some pretty fabulous food to go on that table.

My sweet friend Karil didn't send a picture, but did offer a description of her favorite home space: "I think my favorite spot in our house is the couch by the front window last week when the leaves outside were all yellow and gold."

How about you? I'm still waiting for a picture of YOUR favorite space.

Life with No Regrets

We pause and catch our breath when we hear of a friend's cancer diagnosis, or a child who has died way too young, or a deadly explosion at the finish line of a race. We vow to hold our children tighter, to live with no regrets. And we do slow down for a moment or two, until life starts racing by again and we have to run to catch up with it.

We hear older parents tell us that they wish they had enjoyed life more, that it all went by too fast, and we decide to learn from their experiences and slow down. We ponder the passing of time, perhaps shedding a few tears for all the milestones that have come and gone. And we again vow to live with no regrets, to savor each moment.

That perspective is good to keep in mind, but we do still have to live. Children need to be fed and clothed. Careers need to be managed so they can be productive and fulfilling. Houses need to be cleaned lest we end up on an episode of Hoarders. Life is time-consuming, and much of it is mundane. We can't escape the dailiness of it all. Nor should we--God gave Adam and Eve the garden to tend, good work to fill their days.

The question of what I would do today if this were my last day on earth has to be balanced with the question of how I can prepare for tomorrow in case this isn't my last day. I think it's about grasping and loving the "heaven moments" AND the "have-to-dos." We don't want to miss a moment to slow down and talk with someone we love, but we also mustn't neglect putting dinner on the table.

I think living with no regrets is more about having a contented and grateful outlook than it is about anything else. My problem isn't that I don't realize my children are growing up too fast, my problem is that I spend too much time mourning that fact and feeling guilty if every day I spend with them isn't full of wonderful tea parties or exciting outings to the zoo. I look at the drops that are falling through my hands instead of the living water that remains.

The thing I will most regret is if I wish away all my daily tasks searching for some elusive life-without-regrets. I don't want to be guilted into despising the work I need to do. Living without regret means finding the rainbow in the dish soap, as Ann Voskamp reminds us, or savoring the sweet smile on my toddler's face as I help them get dressed. It's thanking God for hours of editing work, even if it does keep me from playing in the yard with the kids all day--and then really enjoying the 15 minutes I do have to play in the yard. God made us to need daily bread, so the work we have to put in to get that daily bread is every bit as sacred as the celebration of eating it.

Today, I will live without regrets by thanking God for every moment, the highs and the lows. I will rejoice in the simple things. I will enjoy my work. And I will live without the guilty voice inside that tells me to savor the time that slips through  my fingers--living gratefully IS savoring.

The Good Old Days

"Do not say, 'Why were the old days better than these?' For it is not wise to ask such questions," the writer of Ecclesiastes tells us (7:10). In moments of discontent, I find myself longing for the "good old days," the days when I didn't have kids and could call my time my own. The days when I only had little kids, and it was so easy to control their activities and their friends. The days when my kids were young and my biggest problem was keeping them fed and clothed--no activities to choose between, no big worries about their friendships and development. The days when I didn't have to think about wrinkles and gray hairs. The days when the dollars earned-per-kid ratio was better. Ah, those were the days.

But were they really better? Before I had kids I longed for them, and when they were little I wished for the days when I wouldn't have to wipe noses or bottoms. I guess you could call it selective amnesia. How easy it is to forget the sleepless nights, the worries and fears, the boredom or sadness of past days and remember only the good things.

This blog post that went viral recently helped us all to be realistic about the things that are hard about raising little kids. And I think that's a good balance for all the mushy motherhood-is-wonderful blogs and facebook status updates. "I love my kids!" "Life is such an adventure with these kids!" "Look how creative I am--we do fun things every day!" Yes, all things to celebrate and share, but life is also full of "My daughter just lied to me...again. What should I do?" and "I honestly cannot face the loads of housework that are waiting for me and it's making me grumpy with the kids" and "my marriage really isn't very good right now, and I'm not sure how to turn it around." The things we don't share, or at least not with very many people.

I don't know exactly where I'm headed with this, except to say that today I need to be reminded--I need to remind myself--to embrace the present and the future. To look back on my memories with joy at the gifts God has given me, but not to long for those days.

This is the day that the Lord has made. Let me rejoice and be glad in it! In the messy house, in the fears I have for tomorrow, in the overwhelming chaos that is the hours from 4 to 6, in the seemingly endless stream of laundry, cooking, and kids' activities. These are the things that God has given me this day. Maybe there will be wonderful gifts today if I look for them. Maybe I can enjoy my son's rendition of "The First Noel" or a sticky hug from my toddler. Maybe my Jr. Higher will keep track of her homework today. Or maybe there won't be much to celebrate. Either way, let me rejoice in this day because this is what God has given me.

Limitations

Sheldon Vanauken wrote in his book A Severe Mercy about a dog named Gypsy.
  "Gypsy, a furry, wheat-coloured collie, found herself in possession of several hundred acres of woods, full of good things like rabbit trails and streams and intriguing burrows, and she delighted in it all. She was given a comfortable bed and good meals. Perhaps she rather took it all for granted. Of obligations there were few, and they not heavy. She was, to be sure, supposed to worship her Master and be right joyous to be with him. She knew she must not chase the chickens. While she must obey certain commands--to follow, to come, to lie down--there were no unreasonable ones, and no tricks. After all, to obey and to worship were natural to her dog nature."

Vanauken goes on to describe how one day Gypsy sees a rabbit and hears her master call at the same instant, and after rationalizing her decision, runs after the rabbit. Then follows guilt, and then further disobedience because she has tasted "freedom." One day Gypsy runs away for good and is unable to find her Master and the comforts of food and a warm bed ever again.

The story is a wonderful picture of the Fall, wherein mankind chose sin rather than obedience to God. We see a metaphor for the false freedom found in sin and the true freedom found in obedience to God. But I think the illustration can be taken farther than that. I think God sets limits for us in many areas of life. He puts things in our lives that keep us safely in His will and help us avoid running away into the dangers and pitfalls of life outside of His will. Here are a few categories of limitations that I've thought of.

1) Time. We all have the same amount of hours each day, and once those hours are used up, they are gone. The more responsibilities we have, the less time there is to spend as we wish.

2) Finances. Obviously.

3) Circumstances. This could include things like the size or layout of our house, or the number of children you have, or whether or not you work outside the home. It could include things like relatives who need a lot of help from you or having a long commute to and from work. These are things that you can't change on a whim and in some ways limit you. I'd also include in this category the personalities of the people you live with--which you can't change at all! There are probably things about your spouse or kids and their needs that limit your own options.

4) Health. Some of us are generally healthy with a few sick days here and there. Some of us care for ailing loved ones, and that limits us. Some of us have chronic or terminal diseases that affect every area of our lives. And all of us have our own unique energy level that provides the boundaries of what we can or cannot do.

5) Personality and gifting. There are some things we are good at, and some things we are not. There are some things about our personality that make certain tasks difficult or impossible. If God made you an introvert, he may call you to stretch yourself in areas of sociability but he will not call you to live as an extrovert. If God made you tonally challenged, one of your limitations it that the church choir is not where you should volunteer your time.

I do have a point here. Sometimes it's easy to be discontented with where we are or what we have. We get an idea of something we'd like to do, and then realize that we can't do it. Our house isn't big enough to entertain all those people. Or we don't have time and energy to do all the things we want to do for our kids. Or we just aren't good at the thing we wish we were good at. Or our schedule just will not allow us to do this or that fun thing we really want to do.

We can either be constantly frustrated with those things, or we can think of those limitations as healthy boundaries that God has put in our lives for this time. We may not like our boundaries, we may pray for them to change, and we may eventually be called to move the boundaries. But in the end, we all have some limitations that we need to live with. And I think the secret to being content with our lives is recognizing our limitations and then accepting them as from the hand of God.

That doesn't mean we turn into a doormat and never try to better our circumstances. But it does mean that we pray for wisdom to know when is the right time to push the boundaries.

Here's an example. I used to feel guilty whenever my girls were invited to slumber parties because I did not want to reciprocate the invitation. But recently I've realized that the reason I don't want to host sleepovers is because of my limitations: five children, small house, baby sleeping in the basement where we would have to host the sleepover, etc., etc. And I can see that those limitations will change over time as we finally get the baby sleeping upstairs and as we get past the stage where the four-year-old wakes us up multiple times a week to tell us he has to go to the bathroom ("um...then go!"). So for now I accept that limitation and move forward without the guilt.

Or as another example, just this week we got rid of some furniture. We used to feel like we needed to have seating available for everyone who might possibly come over. But now we realize that all that furniture was cluttering up our everyday lives (in other words, it was using too much of our limited space), and that on the rare occasions we have more people over than we have seating for, we can use kitchen chairs or sit on the floor. We're learning to live within the limits of the home God has given us.

I often feel limited by money, and I can either be frustrated that I can't afford thus-and-so or I can accept that financial limitation as a signal that we are better off without that item.

I think there's a further benefit to naming our limitations and seeing them as gifts from God: not only can we learn to be content with our limits, but sometimes they can offer us a chance for creativity. When we're busy wishing our lives away, we may miss an opportunity to fulfill our desires in some other way. If I stop being frustrated that I can't host the cast parties or youth group events, I may discover that I can host more people for a meal if I put up an additional table in the living room. Or I can wait until summer and have events outside. I may not be able to afford an awesome American Girl whatever for Christmas, but maybe I could enjoy making a substitute. My limitations don't have to be negatives--they can be turned into positives.

It's been very freeing for me to look at my circumstances as gifts from God rather than hindrances. He has given me my circumstances, and that means that I can do everything He is calling me to do within the limits of my time, health, finances, circumstances, and personality. What a blessing that He has put those limits in my life for a reason!

One of the Bible verses that my dad often quotes is Psalm 16:5-6: "LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance." (NIV) I've always thought that "boundary lines" in this passage refers to these types of things--those circumstances and limitations that are a natural part of our lives. May we, like the psalmist, affirm that those boundary lines are pleasant.

What about you--are there limits your thankful for? Or limits that you've been fighting and need to accept and move on from?