Mornings and Music and Pressing On

Mornings are hard for the boy and me. He is slow to get up, slow to get dressed, slow to do everything. I bought the wrong kind of cereal or let the milk run out. He fights with his sister about where the cereal box should be for optimal viewing of the label (even though they read it yesterday and every other day for the past week). He doesn't like the available lunch options, or else he gets so excited about them that he dances around instead of making the lunch. He can't find his shoes. or his homework. or his glasses.

And then we eventually start practicing piano and he does NOT want to do his scales. Many days there is yelling and pouting by at least one of us. It's amazing the number of things he "does not care" about when scales are on the line.

Today was one of those days, but we finally got through the scales and I sat on the couch to listen to his review pieces (something I often don't do because his sister is usually practicing at the same time so I'm listening to her). And I suddenly realized, he's playing music. This rough-and-tumble boy who always has food around his mouth. The one who I'm always a little worried may not make it in life--or survive into adulthood. That one...moments of his practicing show sensitivity and musicianship.

Now, this is no child prodigy. He is no better at piano than other children who practice every day like he does. But sometimes I catch a glimpse that it's going to be worth it. All this work is slowly paying off. You play enough scales and finally it turns into music. Maybe the hours we spend practicing each week are shaping his soul as well as his fingers. Perhaps he'll make something of himself.

So, mother whose mornings are hard and who wants to give up on the hard thing you are making your child do for his own good: Don't give up. Don't stop. Someday you'll look up and realize there's music coming out of him. And it will be worth it.

Here's the video I took to encourage myself on days when I think I can't. take. one. more. day. You can see where he turned around and realized he was being recorded, and also where it all kind of fell apart at the end. This is practice, after all, not perfection.

The Love Challenge

This morning I went through the mental exercise I often go through: "I should really take time off of Facebook. The negativity makes me so grumpy." Yes,but what about the connections, the prayers, the little glimmers of hope you also find there? And the adorable otter video you saw yesterday? Totally worth it. And then I ran across this article by a lovely coworker of my husband's, and my faith in Facebook was restored--it gives me access to things I wouldn't otherwise know about that are worth reading. Stephanie writes about changing her focus from "woe is me, I have no boyfriend on Valentine's Day" to focusing on receiving and giving love for the month, the same way we focus on thanks in the month of November.

And it got me thinking. What if I spent this month looking for ways to love others? What if I made a conscious effort to express love not just to my husband (although that's important) this Valentine's Day but also to my children, my friends, and those outside my usual circle of contacts? What if I hopped on Facebook looking to see if I could encourage someone rather than just be entertained (or annoyed)? What if every day for the month of February I made myself write down not just three things I'm thankful for (God's expressions of love to me), but also one way I went out of my way to show love to someone? And what if I challenged myself to show love in ways that are hard, that require some sacrifice?

So there you have it, the challenge I'm laying down for myself. I better get started on planning and brainstorming. Care to join me in this challenge?

One Word

I was not going to do the "one word" thing this year. I sort of thought my focus would be on health--as in, allowing myself the luxury of regular exercise even though it takes me away from other things. And as in, giving myself the gift of regular time spent on hobbies even though I don't have time for it and there are other, more pressing things to do.

But as time has gone on, I think God gave me a word, and it's definitely not one I would have chosen for myself. My one word this year is HUMILITY. How boring. How uninspiring. How hard. But here we are.

Why humility? As debates have been swirling, both in my home town and in the presidential campaign and about a million other topics, the thing that has struck me again and again is the need for humility. For acknowledging that the other side might be right, or might have some truth to it, or at least might have something to teach me even if they are wrong. For giving people the benefit of the doubt concerning their motivations and heart. For asking God what he might teach me even if the person through which he is speaking is unappealing or even vile to me. For speaking truth in a way that is kind and winsome.

What does this look like? This month, it is listening to a flashy speaker even though said flashy speaker kind of turns me off. Lord, show me what I can learn here. It is listening to my friend and trying to understand even though her viewpoint seems wrong to me. Lord, help me to see truth and be loving. It is letting my husband pursue the schedule he feels is right even if it's not my first choice. Lord, help me see where I am being selfish. It is praying about things rather than getting into fix-it mode. Lord, help me to be before I do. It is inviting people into my home even if it's messy--and not getting grumpy about it. Lord, teach me true hospitality. It is picking up this blogging thing even though I find it hard to "put myself out there." Lord, help me to obey your promptings, to give of myself so that you are exalted and others maybe benefit from what you're teaching me. It is keeping my mouth shut when it is obvious to me what someone needs to do or how they are wrong, but I also know they aren't in a position to hear the truth yet--or I'm not the one who should tell them. Lord, help me to control my tongue.

I don't know where this journey of humility will take me, and maybe I don't want to. This might be a really hard year. But I've found that when God leads, it's best to follow. So here I go, seeking to learn what it means to walk humbly with the Lord. What's your one word?

Prayer and Breathing

In case you have missed it, there is quite a controversy at Wheaton College, a place near and dear to my heart. It has been heavy on my heart because of the hateful backlash, some of it aimed at my brother, and because many of the arguments feel to me like an attack on God himself, and that breaks my heart.

I am not here to debate the issues. Smart people say it is complicated and nuanced, and just because the heart of the issue seems very un-complicated to me does not mean that I am right. But the whole thing has taught me a lot about prayer.

When I am so burdened by something that it distracts me from my work or wakes me up at night, I can either fret and worry, or I can pray. At times like this prayer becomes so constant it's like breathing. Sometimes all I pray is "Lord, have mercy, have mercy." Sometimes I pray for specific things, but as I've gotten older my prayers are a lot less about what I think ought to happen, or what I want to happen, and a lot more "your will be done." You see, I've experienced enough of life to realize that God's ways are always best. No exceptions. Even when his ways are devastating this side of heaven. And I know that he always answers the prayer "your will be done."

I see the nuances of life and realize that in every single situation I am concerned about--even the ones that are about me--I don't know all the information. But God does. So I can trust him to know what to do. Prayer for me is like climbing into God's lap and handing my worries and problems back to him. Sure, I ask him to show me if there is something I need to do, either to be an instrument in fixing the problem or to take care of myself so I can sense his love for me. But pretty much, for me these days prayer is me saying, "God, this seems like a big thing to me. Can you fix it in your way? And make my thoughts and priorities concerning this matter match yours."

More specifically, I pray God things. Help the people involved to grow in grace, unity, love, and all the other fruits of the Spirit mentioned in Scripture. Help us to trust you more. Help us to grow. Redeem this situation so that you are glorified. Don't let Satan win this one. Let truth win, whatever the truth is. These things God loves to answer. And these are things that Christians on both sides of any disagreement ought to be able to pray together. We're all on God's side, right? So we all want his purposes to prevail. Let's pray for that.

I've also noticed my prayers are a little less impatient than they used to be. Nothing is an emergency or a surprise to God. I'd love to see every problem resolved on my timetable, but I see more and more that sometimes the waiting and the struggle are the point. In this particular case, I think many more people are fervently praying for Wheaton than were a month ago. And that's a good thing. So while I'd love to see this resolved now--like, this minute please--I'd even more love to let God do his thing. And sometimes that takes a while.

So I'm settling in, getting comfortable on God's lap, and planning to stay here for the duration. Won't you join me?

What's Next

Tomorrow is the day I have in some ways been dreading for 15 years, ever since my first baby was in my arms and I knew this day was coming. Tomorrow I will send my last baby to kindergarten. I have no preschoolers left. And you know what? I am okay. I'm almost happy about it. And I think I know why.

You see, last year I started transitioning my thoughts to what's next. I decided that the reason I was afraid of sending the baby to school was because I wondered if I would be starting the slow descent into obsolescence. A mother's job is to work herself out of a job, so I guess you'd say it's a planned obsolescence, but that doesn't make it feel any better. Deep down I think we all want to be needed, to matter to someone else. Mothering babies and preschoolers gives you that in spades. They need us for everything at first, then a little less, but for several years we hang the moon to them, and that's a pretty great feeling.

But God doesn't want us to stay there (lest our egos get the best of us), and so He makes motherhood a long series of changes and adjustments and letting go. They start to sleep in their own room, and then they start to go on sleepovers and fix their own lunches, and then one day they leave--eventually for good. And stay-at-home moms like me wonder what's next.

So last year my constant prayer was that God would give me a vision. I realized that God will always give us something useful to do if we just ask Him, so I started badgering Him to show me what that is. "What do you want me to do that matters? Fill my time with what you want, but please help me to see that there will be something so I can gracefully pry my hands off this mothering littles job I've been doing (and love so much)."

And God answered that prayer. So tomorrow as I send my baby to school perhaps there will be tears (not from her), but mostly there will be relief. Because I have work to do, work I love and that fits my skill set. So much work that I'm pretty sure I can't get it all done without some supernatural help. And those kid-free hours are going to come in handy for getting it done.

So if you're wondering what's next, if you find yourself at a transition point in life that's feeling overwhelming, I challenge you to ask God for a vision of what's next. Tell Him you're ready to do something important, and He'll give it to you.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. 

“They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 

In those days when you pray, I will listen."

--Jeremiah 29:11-12

Before and After

Today I have a before and after for you. I just love those, don't you? Am I the only one who is scouring facebook pictures to catch a glimpse of the decor in the background? I think it's so interesting to see how other people decorate and see if their style sparks any creative ideas for my own home.

I started with a pretty ordinary hand-me-down hutch. It started life as unfinished pine, then was stained and varnished and lived that way for about 25 years.

It was fine, but with my beautiful new kitchen, it looked kind of tired. A few coats of paint, some new hardware, and...

Fun, huh? The wall behind is gray, and the color on the back of the hutch is a cream color that matches my kitchen cabinets. The main part of the hutch is a neutral green that matches the different-colored cabinets in the kitchen (the ones we had to buy new). So this sort of ties the whole kitchen together, as well as giving me a place for all my inherited kitschy stuff.

A Good Enough Author

If there is a back-door way of authoring a book, I have found it: Spend years and years copy editing other people's books, and then have your mom run into an old acquaintance and let them know that you are an editor who likes to write, and then do some work for them that turns into a little more and a little more, and the next thing you know they will realize that you wrote a significant portion of the book and offer to let you have the credit for your work. The whole process takes about 15 years, some providential "coincidences," and a good deal of generosity on the part of the publisher.

Nevertheless, I am now a published author.

It feels sort of like I just had a baby. Here's hoping there are more to follow in the years ahead (books, not babies).

For the Ladies on Valentine's Day

By my calculations dear hubby and I have been together for 19 Valentine's Days. Maybe it's 20--I can't quite keep track of the with the on again/off again nature of those dating years. The one I remember best is when we were still dating, and I cleaned and decorated his apartment as a surprise when he got off work. Most have gone by with little fanfare. A dinner out around Valentine's Day, perhaps ordering takeout and watching a movie. Often a card, sometimes flowers or chocolate.

Here's the thing: Valentine's Day is pretty hard for most guys. We gals have high expectations that we will feel loved and cherished on that day. But sometimes we haven't communicated what we want. Or there just isn't quite enough money left in the budget for what we really want. Or he's so stressed by work and life that writing a romantic note to us just might be asking too much. Or circumstances (young kids, finances, work trips, and the sheer exhaustion of helping our grade-school age children get to school with Valentines, boxes, and party supplies) prevent us from celebrating the way we'd like.

So here's the challenge: whatever he does, accept it as an expression of love. He bought you the brand of chocolates you don't much care for just when you decided to eat healthier? Enjoy eating one or two and appreciate that he thinks you're beautiful just the way you are. He splurged on flowers when you would have preferred something less conventional and less expensive? Accept the extravagance as if it were a love note expressing just what you wish he would say. He bought a card when what you really wanted was for him to plan the date? Appreciate how hard it is to be a man on Valentine's Day (oh, the pressure!) and enjoy the date regardless of who planned it.

You see, when someone does something for us--especially when it's our spouse--we can choose to nitpick that it's not exactly what we wanted them to do for us and feel sorry for ourselves that they don't know us well enough to read our minds. Or we can graciously accept the gesture and feel it as the kindness it was intended to be. It would be nice if love was always expressed to us in the way we can most readily receive it, but this side of heaven that is impossible. So in the meantime we will be a whole lot happier if we learn to receive love however it comes to us: a kind word. a simple date spent watching a move on the couch, Dairy Queen blizzards optional. flowers and chocolate and love notes. a cup of coffee. a full tank of gas. the day-in, day-out showing up for one another in a million little ways that could easily be overlooked, or could be interpreted as enduring love.

For the record, dear hubby did a good job of making me feel loved this Valentine's Day in spite of the fact that we won't be spending it together. He's learned a lot in those 19 years. And I'd like to think I've learned a lot about receiving love so that I can feel loved no matter how he expresses it.

The Craigslist Kitchen

This is the story of a happy couple who moved from a home with a kitchen they had redone themselves--and loved--into a house with a kitchen that was a little past its prime. 1960s cabinets may be sturdy, but they do have a lifespan and they are not as space-efficient as modern-day cabinets. And Linoleum also has a lifespan. As do peach-painted-over-wallpaper-that-was-half-taken-off-leaving-rough-spots walls. In a word, the kitchen made me feel tired. So tired, in fact that this is the only picture we have of the kitchen in its original state.

But a redo was not in the budget. Still, I took my sister-in-law's advice and shopped around on Craigslist to see if I could find a pre-used kitchen that we could affordably re-purpose. A few days later I found one. For $1,900 we could get a kitchen with granite countertops and almost enough cabinets, albeit in a different layout than our kitchen, with most appliances included. Sold.

A few weeks later we had moved those heavy slabs of granite into our garage, stowed the cabinets in every possible corner of house and garage, and the kitchen looked like this. It turned out the walls needed to be completely replaced because of that old paint-over-wallpaper trick, so the project turned slightly larger than anticipated. Although it was easier to move plumbing and electrical with the walls completely gone, so there was that.

One fun aspect of the remodel was the fact that the refrigerator moved places nearly every day. It added a little excitement to my day to hunt for it each morning.

In the meantime I had a little makeshift kitchen in the back hall (what will someday be the mudroom). It was very functional, but did feel cramped after a bit.

Four months of rewiring, re-plumbing, floor installation, and granite fabrication

. . . countless trips to all the local hardware stores . . . and several thousand dollars later (all work done by my talented husband, with a little help from his handy parents . . . I just "supervised" and tried to keep our home life intact), we present to you the Craigslist kitchen.

Note the second sink. My handy hubby cut that sink hole and polished it himself! He was sure we needed one, I thought it was an unnecessary hassle to add plumbing, etc. He was right on this one, for sure. Cleanup after our Christmas dinner for 23 was a snap.

The backsplash was not originally intended to have those white tiles interspersed, but they gave us two boxes of grey tiles and one of white, and rather than drive all the way back to Bollingbrook to replace them, we just made it work. I think I actually prefer it with the white in there.

Hopefully before too long there will be cute little shelves in that space between the cabinets. When you buy a galley-style kitchen and put it in a square one, you have to get a little creative.

(Yes, Taylor family, that is the table and benches that have always lived at grandma and grandpa's house. They have been lovingly preserved in their approximate original location.)

Living within the Budget: God's Provision in the Little Things

I wrote yesterday about my project of living within the budget. This is a little story about how God shows up when you take a few steps of faith.

A few weeks ago I was grocery shopping and noticed this picture in the window of my favorite resale store:

I instantly loved it. The three little girls remind me of my three close-together girls, I love the colors, I love the frame. But it was not in the budget, and I thought it was overpriced. So I didn't buy it. But I kept thinking about it. A week later I window shopped and saw it again. Still out of my price range. I remember thinking to myself, "well, if it was half price I would buy it. But by the time they mark it down someone will have bought it, and the white tags never go on sale anyway. Oh well."

The next day I opened my email and lo and behold, I had sold a piece of jewelry. Which never happens. My etsy site is so sorely neglected that I have no idea how someone found it, let alone decided to buy something. I was delighted with my unexpected "extra" money, and I instantly thought of this little picture hanging in the window down the street. Unfortunately, my profit still didn't match the price of this painting. But after I had shipped the earrings, I had to go to the grocery store anyway, so I went to the store that was next to the resale store with this painting. And what do you know, all pictures were half price that day! Coincidence? I think not.

Sometimes God gives us these little gifts to show us that we're on the right track. To encourage us to carry on in obedience. I am so thankful, not just because I love this happy little picture hanging in my home, but even more because it is a reminder that God cares. He cared that I loved this little picture, and he cared that I stuck to my budget and didn't buy it when it was too expensive.

Here's one more look at my pretty little corner.

Don't you love it when God sends you a little surprise? Tell me YOUR story of God's provision in encouraging ways.

The Snowball Effect

We're digging out from the fifth-largest snowfall in Chicagoland this week. Yesterday we woke to a winter wonderland, and it was glorious to drive to church in it. Even more glorious to discover that most of the congregation and a full quota of the choir had also braved the elements to worship together. We shared a moment of calm together, the Lord's Table, and profound reminders of God's deep love for us while we were at our worst--ungodly and weak-willed, unable to do the right thing even when we knew what it was. What a great way to spend a snow day. We enjoyed watching the Super Bowl as well--probably the first time we've had all our kids watch the whole thing with us.

January and February are often months of paralysis for me, probably the effect of not enough sun. The irony is that these are the very months I'm often trying to reassert some sort of order in my world. Out with the Christmas decorations and holiday eating habits. In with more discipline in my walk with the Lord, in my health, and in our spending habits. Out with the toys that no longer fit now that Christmas gifts are put away. In with better study and practicing habits. Out with time-wasting on the computer, in with weekly blogging--that's the goal, anyway!

This year I'm trying a new strategy: instead of working on everything at once, I'm trying to focus on one thing and see how discipline in that area leads to discipline in another. It's what Dave Ramsey calls the snowball method, where you tackle the smallest debt and the other ones naturally follow. I don't want to get overwhelmed with everything I'd like to see run better in our lives, so I'm letting myself just work on one thing with the other things coming along as I'm able.

The big area I'm working on is our finances. Now that our big move is done and life has settled down a bit, I really need to work on getting our spending habits--my spending habits--under control. It's not that I waste money, but I do not do a good job of sticking to the budget. So I'm taking baby steps toward better planning and money management. Maybe soon I can blog about extreme couponing!

In the meantime, it has been healthy to spend these dark winter months focusing on manageable steps toward success in one area instead of feeling down on myself for not being as far as I'd like to be toward ten different goals. And I think it's working. When I'm feeling pretty good about accomplishing one small thing I tend to want to take a step toward accomplishing something else as well. Today's victories were spending some time with my Bible and my gratitude journal when my attitude was heading south, not eating the leftover junk food from yesterday's Super Bowl bash, and doing pretty well with my budgeted Walgreens run (although I hope to do better next week). There are more things I wish I had gotten done, but instead of beating myself up about those things I'm going to choose to focus on the few things I did right. Tomorrow is another day, and perhaps I will have five or six victories instead of only three. Especially since school will surely be back in session and I will presumably have fewer interruptions.

How about you? Is there a goal you're working on? Have you taken some baby steps in the right direction that have helped you gain discipline in a second area as well?

When Compromise Isn't Possible

The general wisdom is that marriage is made up of a lot of little compromises. And that is true. You compromise on how to schedule your days, on who should do which chores, and which mother's banana bread recipe you will use.

But sometimes you can't compromise. You'll either spend your money this way or that way, and you can't do both. You'll either vacation in one place or another this year. The two activities you want to sign your kid up for are at the same time, so you have to pick one or the other. Some of these decisions don't matter much in the long run, and you're happy to go with the flow and give in, seeing possible benefits to the choice that wasn't your first. But what about the times when compromise isn't possible and it is clear to each of you that your way is the right way, and your partner's way will have some bad long-range consequences that you don't want to face? What then?

Of course there are no one-size-fits-all answers here. Some of these decisions are big and damaging, and I can't begin to address those. Sometimes there is a moral right or wrong, and obviously we are never called to support a morally wrong decision. Definitely call a professional to help you walk through those things.

But some of these no-compromise decisions are not that big in the long run, but they feel big to us. When I recently found myself disagreeing with a decision my husband made, I had some choices to make about how to respond. Maybe some of what I learned is generally helpful in these no-compromise situations where you don't get your way.

1) Pray. I prayed both for the ability to understand my husband's perspective and for things to turn out well for our family. Not only do our prayers cause God to act on our behalf, but they also help us be at peace. God knows what is best, and he will work things out for those who love him. Perhaps some of the things I fear will come true, and perhaps this wasn't the best decision. Even then God can redeem it. He can make this turn out for the best.

2) Have a civilized, kind, calm discussion about your concerns, but once the decision has been made, leave the decision in the past. Move forward and don't continually bring it up and gripe about it. Even if you turn out to have been right, don't repeatedly say so. This one is very hard. But the price you'll pay for harping is too high. It will damage your marriage and make moving forward in life and in your relationship much harder.

3) Continue to go through the motions. Last night was pizza night, a time-honored tradition in our marriage. I didn't want to have this "date," but we did it anyway. Marriage has its ups and downs, and on some level we need to keep acting like we're getting along even when we aren't. Because that is how we find our way back to one another. If we let the traditions and romance slip, it becomes easier and easier to not bring it back. And then a little disagreement turns into something much bigger and harder to recover from.

4) Support the decision. Here again, you have to put your feelings aside for the good of your relationship. The kids and the world need to see you as a unit, supporting one another. Speak well of your spouse. Think of and give thanks for all the things you love about him or her, and all the things you agree on. Find a proactive way to make the best of the decision you don't agree with: Organize yourself for the purchase you didn't want to make. Buy a vacation planner for the trip you aren't excited about. Help your child be excited about the activity you signed up for by going out and buying the equipment they'll need. Or help them deal with the disappointment of the decision that wasn't their first choice by planning something else fun. I did not do a good job on this yesterday, so it's time to give myself grace for my attitude and make a fresh start. No more whining.

5) Take care of yourself. If the no-compromise decision makes life harder for you in some way, give yourself grace. Plan an afternoon of pampering or a weekend away. Get together with friends for fun and moral support (but not whining!). Give yourself a treat not as a "you owe me this" kind of thing, but as a way to acknowledge that you're mourning a loss and need to be allowed to do so. If we don't take care of ourselves, we won't be able to move on and support our spouse. In that sense maybe I should've listed this one as number 2!

Your turn: What do you do when you can't come to agreement and a decision has to be made? I'd love to hear your solutions!

Pray for Nigeria

Last night I read about this tragedy in Nigeria. It's the kind of thing you can't quite get your mind around. It's the kind of thing you don't want to get your mind around. Possibly two thousand people murdered in one town. People running for their lives. Too many bodies to count. Children and parents being lost from one another in the chaos, with no guarantee that they will ever be able to find one another. Unspeakable tragedy that hits a little too close to home.

You see, Nigeria isn't just a distant place to me. These images, things I saw six short years ago, are still fresh in my mind. And I think, if a few circumstances were changed it could be me, my children, my town. Lord, have mercy.

O Lord Christ, whose death for sinners was a death of suffering, look in Thy divine compassion upon all those who, at this hour in which we pray, in prisons and in all places where there is fighting, hatred and bitterness, are enduring torment at the hands of their fellow men. All extremities of pain are known to you, Lord; may the upholding of your presence be made known to them. If they have ever heard your name, may they now remember it; if it is strange to them let them not be strangers to your courage and your peace. Lord, we know that you who know all, and love all, and have suffered all, have had each of them in your heart from all eternity; yet still we dare to pray for them, knowing that your mercy will accept our prayer and your love use it in the ways that are known to you alone.
--from A Diary of Prayer, compiled by Elizabeth Goudge

One Word

I'm what you might call a late adapter. Whatever the change is, or the latest craze, I finally jump on board right about as it's ending. So I've never participated in the "one word" phenomenon. But this year I've decided to take up the challenge.

My word for the year--the thing I definitely need more of--is patience. Patience with myself when I don't live up to expectations. Patience with my children's development, which seems to take place in fits and starts. Patience when my husband's plans are at a difference pace than mine. Patience with how long it takes to get back in shape when you haven't exercised in way too long. Patience with this process of figuring out where God is taking my "career" (using that term loosely).

I was struck this morning by these words: "The Lord told Joshua, 'Today I will begin to make you a great leader in the eyes of all the Israelites. They will know that I am with you, just as I was with Moses'" (Joshua 3:7). Joshua's leadership was a process of becoming. God knew that people wouldn't accept his leadership overnight, and even a striking miracle like the crossing of the Jordan was only a step in the process. It was a beginning, and God would orchestrate the middle and the end for the good of his people.

My life feels like a slow process of becoming lately. College bills are only a few years away now, job offers are not pouring in, and I can't see yet what God is up to in my life. Sometimes I wish the process could be sped up or at least that I could see that everything will work out (by which I really mean work out my way) in the end. But God doesn't work that way, so what I really need is patience. Contentment and gratitude in the waiting. Grace to take each day as it comes, accepting today's manna rather than worrying about how God might provide tomorrow.

I suspect it was a great encouragement to Joshua and the Israelites when they reached the other side of the Jordan River, entering into the promised land, and ate from the land for the first time. Scripture tells us that "No manna appeared on the day they first ate from the crops of the land, and it was never seen again. So from that time on the Israelites ate from the crops of Canaan." (Joshua 5:12). The thing the Israelites desperately needed to sustain them in the desert--daily manna--was no longer needed in the promised land.

What I needed yesterday may not be the same as what I need today. But I can trust that God knows what I need for today, and he has promised to provide it. This year I hope I can learn a bit more about waiting patiently for God's provision, being as grateful for the process and the meager beginnings as I am for the triumphs and fulfilled promises.

Do you have one word for the year? I'd love to hear what it is!

When Church Is Disappointing

This week I came across this article about how committed church members are leaving the church, declaring themselves done with all of that church stuff. They apparently are called "Dones," which I keep mis-reading as "Drones." To be honest, it broke my heart. It breaks my heart for Christ's church, but even more for these dear ones who are missing out on the life of a healthy body of believers.

I wrote a few weeks ago about what to do when marriage is disappointing. The parallels between how marriage can be disappointing how church can be disappointing are striking, although of course on a vastly different scale. We expect church to give us some of the same things we expect marriage to give us: love, a sense of belonging, opportunities to serve and sacrifice, support during hard times, and an opportunity to better ourselves. We expect some give-and-take, and if we give until we're worn down but don't feel like we're getting much out of the relationship, we may want to leave. If that happens at a few different churches we may conclude that the problem is with the idea of church itself, and so we give it up and decide to "create our own spiritual experiences."

Sometimes church, like marriage, is just boring. Uninspiring. Same old-same old. So we may want to leave not because church has so devastated us, but just because it's not as interesting as we think it should be. We have a million things to do, and church isn't inspiring enough to seem important.

I get it. Sometimes church feels like work. In fact, my husband and I at one point determined that since church often feels like a work day we should view it as such. We relax on Saturday, as much as possible, and then attack Sunday as a church worker instead of an audience member. That perspective helped us enjoy Sundays more and stop resenting the fact that it was so much work to go early for choir, go early to help with the evening service, and corral those young kids to and from church twice each Sunday.

So what do we do with the fact that committed, serving church members are apparently leaving church for good? What's going wrong? It seems to me that our understanding of what church is--and what it is not--have gotten off track somewhere along the way.

Others can and have written eloquently on the subject of Why Church?, and I will leave that to them. But I will say this: there is a Biblical mandate for the church. It is the body of Christ (Eph. 5:23-32), and as such is the deeper reality to which marriage points. If we view marriage as important, how much more so is the church? It is a living building (1 Pet. 2:4-8), and Christ himself established it (Matt. 16:18; Col. 1:18). It is the vehicle through which believers are to discover and use their spiritual gifts (1 Cor. 12:28 and elsewhere). Paul called himself the least of the apostles because of his persecution of the church (1 Cor. 15:9). It is to be the vehicle through which Christ is made known: "so that through the church the manifold wisdom of God might now be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly places" (Eph. 3:10).

Perhaps most important of all, church is how we grow. "And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near" (Heb. 10:24-25). Far from being an obligation, church is a gift to us. A way to be stirred on toward love. A source of encouragement. A family.

On the other hand, church is not a social club. It is not necessarily supposed to be fun. It is not the be-all/end-all of your spiritual life. It is not necessarily filled with people you like. The worship may or may not be your favorite thing. The sermon may not always contain new information to you--although at those times it is probably full of good reminders.

In light of all that, I guess I'd say that the simple answer to the question of what you should do when when church is disappointing is to go anyway. Put yourself under the authority of a Bible-believing church and then stick it out, the same way you stick it out with your family even when they disappoint you. If you've been devastated by a church, perhaps it's time to find another place of worship, but do find one. 

Maybe, like in marriage, you need to adjust your expectations. Church will never be all you hoped. Everyone there is a sinner just like you, and they have idiosyncrasies that make it hard to put up with them. The good news is that they have to put up with your idiosyncrasies as well. And the benefits of learning to get along are huge. You will be sanctified in the process. You'll have people who can point you in the right direction when you're led astray. You'll have someone to be there for you when the chips are down.

Oh, Dear one who is feeling "done" with church. Please don't give up. I know it's hard. I know you're worn down. I know you're tired of being hurt by your brothers and sisters. But we need each other. You need us as much as we need you. I don't care about the numbers on the rolls or maintaining membership or making the budget. I don't care if we have to shut down this or that "program" because you can't lead it anymore. I don't care if you go to my church or a house church or somewhere else, as long as they preach Christ, and him crucified. Wherever you choose to go, your brothers and sisters need you. Your gifts are essential, or God wouldn't have given them to you. If you need a break take one and just come to be fed for a season. But please come. This body of believers is God's plan A for reaching the world, and there is no plan B. Let's work together to make our churches look more like the bride Christ died for.

Mom, CEO

This fall applied for a job. It was sort of an act of faith--I wasn't sure if I was ready to work more than I am (it was only part-time, but still more hours than I usually work). But I felt led to give it a go, thinking that I was at least worthy of an interview.

Well, I did not get an interview. Which is kind of a blow to one's ego. And then a person starts wondering if a mother of five who has worked from home for 14 years will ever get an interview for anything. I read just yesterday that mothers who take more than 10 years out of the work force have a much harder time getting hired than those who take between five and ten.

Don't get me wrong. I made the choice to be home with my kids, and I love it. I have loved being home for almost every minute of their baby and toddlerhood. I've had a lot of freedom to schedule my days and pursue many different interests. And I realize that a person can't have both: you can pour yourself into a career and not have kids, or you can pour yourself into kids and not have much of a career, or you can try to balance the two but always feel like you're cheating someone or should be somewhere else. But you can't have a high-powered career and be a stay at home mom at the same time (a lucky few manage to stay home for a few years and have a high-powered career before and after those years, but that is not easy to do). And of course it is a luxury and a blessing to be able to stay home with my kids--a luxury and blessing that many people do not have. I am thankful.

Who wouldn't want to be home to capture moments like this?

And be able to go on fun outings with your kids on weekdays?

But there are moments when I wish for the benefits I would have if I had chosen a career instead of staying home. The fulfillment of doing something that lasts longer than my empty laundry basket or clean kitchen. The benefits of a supervisor telling me I've done well. A paycheck. An adult conversation. Being part of a team. An escape out of talk of potty training and picky eaters into the "real" world. And, yes, the ego-building of having a title, of having written or said something that other people care about.

So, what does a stay at home mom do in these moments? All too often, I think we turn mothering into a career. We make choices that give us fulfillment or feed our egos rather than serving our children. From the outside we look like supermom, but sometimes we are using our children to meet our own selfish ends.

What does that look like? I think when our kids want us to sit down and play a game with them, but we instead scour Pinterest for ideas and then spend two hours making a game, which we then take and pictures of to post to our blog, that is feeding our egos instead of serving our kids. When our kids want us to sit down and let them serve us their imaginary food, but we make felt food upgrades to impress our fellow crafty moms, that is ultimately serving ourselves rather than them. When our kids want to color with mom, and we instead find an idea online, make a trip to the craft store (where our kids have a tantrum and we get aggravated with them), and then get home and are too tired to even do the craft, we've failed to capture a special moment with our kids because we wanted to do things that would capture our interest instead of theirs. If our kids ask to play with play doh and we instead spend all morning making a "sensory bin" that keeps their interest for about five minutes, we haven't tended to their needs and interests, we've tended to your own.

There is of course nothing wrong with Pinterest, or mom blogs, or elaborate crafts. It is good to do all our work, parenting or otherwise, with excellence. And there is nothing wrong with trying to make the work of parenting more interesting for ourselves. But I think sometimes we scour Pinterest for the best ideas and then post our efforts to a mom blog out of a desire to 1) find fulfillment in our kids--who while they are fulfilling, should not be where we look for fulfillment (that's a way of using them). Our kids are a sacred gift for us to tend, not a career or a path to self-actualization; 2) feel better about ourselves by seeking a pat on the back from our fellow moms who are impressed by our efforts; 3) do the things we want to do rather than the things our kids want us to do. Sometimes they ask for a simple activity and we give them way too much--getting stressed and grumpy in the process. Sometimes we forget to listen to what they want, instead imposing on them what we want or what will make us feel good.

Maybe in the end it's not so much about what we do, but being honest about our motives. If you want to crochet a kitchen's worth of food for your kids because you like to crochet food, then by all means do it--just realize that this is your hobby, and your kids don't care if their play food is made of air, plastic, or fancy crochet. But they do care if mom is too busy with her hobby to be served at their "restaurant." If you want to have a mom blog because you love it, then do it--but don't sacrifice your kids on the altar of your ego by embarrassing them or spending so much time blogging that you neglect your children in the process. If you want to make a fun craft from Pinterest, do it because you want to, not because you think your kids need it (they probably don't) or because you need someone to tell you how wonderful you are.

I'm not arguing here for a more kid-centered approach to life. In fact, just the opposite, I'm arguing for a less kid-centered approach. If we were to stop making a career out of our kids, I think we'd end up with more time. If we listened to what the kids want from us (an hour of us playing with them) rather than spending an hour online finding a clever idea to do with our kids, we would have filled up their love tanks during that hour by getting down on the floor and playing with them, and then when the hour is up we would be able to pursue our own interests while they pursue theirs.

And if we did make time to pursue our own interests, maybe our kids would end up happier too. They would get a mom who listened to them and did the simple things they were asking for rather than a mom who constantly stressed herself out trying to be supermom. They would get a mom who had interests of her own and showed them what it is like to find out what you like to do and have the discipline to do it, rather than always seeking approval of someone else. They would be released from the pressure of being mom's "project" or life-fulfiller. And let's face it, those are roles no one should be asked to fulfill.

Mondays with Martha: How to Spend Less This Christmas

It's just about that time. We're expecting our first polar vortex this week. The trees are bare, silhouetted skeletons against a grey sky. The red cups have made their appearance at that coffee place, what's it called again? Thanksgiving isn't here yet, but it's late this year, and if you look at the calendar you will see there are only two weekends between Thanksgiving vacation and Christmas vacation. All of which can only mean one thing: it's time to make some plans for how you're going to make this the best Christmas ever. Or, well, a good enough Christmas that you all have happy memories afterwards.

Every year I scrimp and save and say to myself, well, we don't have a lot of money this year, but next year we'll have more to spend on Christmas. And then every year we somehow seem to have less discretionary income. This year it is due to a Disney vacation and a move that cost more than we hoped and a kitchen remodel that cost a lot more than we hoped. So, how can we have all the most important parts of Christmas for less?

1) Make a list of what's really important. Ask the kids what traditions they can't live without. Figure out what makes you the most excited about the season. And then make three lists: The must-dos, the want-to-dos, and the do-withouts. Grandma's Kringle on Christmas morning makes the must-do list. So does looking at Christmas displays in fun stores with my mom. Seeing zoo lights with friends is another must-do. (Notice that those things are all basically free.) Driving around to look at ridiculous light displays set to music is on the want-to-dos. It's fun and basically free (other than the hot chocolate to make the drive even more fun), but if we don't get to it no one will have a conniption. The pictures at the mall in matching dresses is a do-without. It just makes everyone grumpy and really is quite expensive. Also not making the cut are the picture calendars. I just saved myself $200 and two days.

2) Plan ahead for your gift shopping. Ideally by this point in the year I'd be halfway done with my Christmas shopping. But this is the real world, and we are in chaos after a move and a remodel, so I have barely started. Making lists so I can shop sales and not overspend my budget is essential. Avoid those impulse buys!

3) Don't forget resale. Some items you want to buy new, of course, but especially when it comes to toys for young children, used is usually just as good as new, and a lot less expensive. Put a call out on Facebook for what you're looking for; maybe another mom has one she can sell you! Used books are also a great "extra" gift for people.

4) Think of experiences, not more "stuff." This probably works better with older children than younger children, but if you're thinking of paying for lessons or a special class, make it a gift rather than just one more thing your kids feel entitled to. Or have them open a CD (which seems more satisfying than a download, but maybe I'm just old-fashioned) with tickets to a concert. Family vacations can also be turned into gifts--money you were already going to spend that can help you spend less on other things.

5) Think of things you can make. Pinterest is your friend. There are some great ideas out there for games and toys and home decor you can make. My best Christmas as a child was the year my mom made all kinds of items for our Barbie dolls. She didn't spend much at all, but we were thrilled to pieces. Home-made granola, breads, and apple butter make wonderful gifts. Get the kids involved in making something for the grandparents and you kill two birds with one stone: making happy memories and crossing another item off your gift-giving list.

6) While you're getting crafty, think about whether you can make a little extra money at a craft sale or by taking a part-time job. I'm hoping to sell a little jewelry this season to have a little more spending money. And if none of it sells I can turn it into gifts for all the ladies in my life.

7) Think about family gifts--games or puzzles or memberships. It is much  more satisfying and saves you  money to buy a $40 game for your favorite nieces and nephews than to buy each one an individual gift that they probably won't like that much anyway. Puzzling families might like a puzzle they can put together during Christmas vacation.

8) Don't forget the dollar store and the dollar spot at Target. Sure, those things won't last forever. But they will bring a smile to a child's face.

9) Turn necessities into gifts. You can't only give socks and underwear, but you certainly can include them in a stocking. Or if there's an upcoming vacation, give a suitcase or sleeping bag. These are things you have to buy anyway, but turning them into a gift means you can spend less money over all.

10) Focus on what's truly important. Your children are better served by you making fun memories, not memories of mom stressed and dad griping about how much you overspent. Fewer presents teaches them to concentrate on giving more than receiving, to be content and grateful for what they have. And it helps them not be over-stimulated on the holiday itself. It also frees you up to focus on the together times you love the most, the feasting and game-playing and movie-watching that are the stuff of happy childhoods and cherished memories.

There you have it--my best ideas for saving a little money this Christmas. What are your favorite money-saving tips when it comes to the holidays?

When Marriage Is Disappointing

When you've been married for sixteen years you come to the realization that marriage is disappointing. Sometimes it's a little disappointing--like when he objects to driving the kids to a Saturday activity because "that's my day off," as if moms could take a day off. Or he wants to buy a new car and you'd rather put that money toward a new kitchen. Or she overspends in every budget category, month after month. Or she just doesn't manage the kids the way you'd like. Or he doesn't step up and discipline/care for/fill-in-the-blank for the kids the way you think he should.

And sometimes it's a lot disappointing, when you feel lonely and angry and just aren't sure if you can take one more day. When life decisions are made that you totally disagree with. When you feel more alone when you're with him than you do when you're alone. When you look at your spouse and say "this is not who I married, and this is not what I thought I was signing up for." When you feel utterly rejected by your spouse. When you think maybe life would be better apart than it is together.

Marriage is hard. Some marriages have hard seasons, and some are hard in every season. Some seem to take little work, while others are hard work every single day. Life wears on us and wears us out and it takes a toll on our most important relationships.

But I think marriage is worth fighting for. I think your marriage is worth fighting for. It is a covenant relationship designed to reflect God's relationship with the church, and as such should be preserved whenever possible, by whatever means necessary.

There are of course no easy answers for a person who is bitterly disappointed with their marriage, and each disappointment in marriage has its own needs and its own solutions. But I think there are some things we can do in disappointing days, weeks, years that will help.

• Get some perspective. At some point you chose this person. Maybe they've changed, maybe you've changed. But the fact remains that at some point in the past you loved them and wanted to spend your life with them. And somewhere deep in their soul this is the same person you chose. So find a way to get back to that moment. List the things you're thankful for about your spouse and tell them how much you appreciate those things. Look at pictures of your wedding and remind yourself what you loved--and then search for evidence that those things are still there. Brag to a close friend about the things your spouse does well (in a non-annoying way, of course).
• Pray for yourself. Take your hurt to the Lord, who bears every one of our burdens. Ask Him to make you a better spouse and to heal the hurt places in you so you can love others more fully. Give your bitterness and anger to Him, confessing your own sin and asking for help. Ask Him to help you love your spouse with His love when yours has run out. Pray that you will have a soft heart and soft words. Ask Him to deal with you first. Wonderful things happen in a marriage when someone prays from the heart for these things.
• Pray for them. You will never change your spouse, and the more you nag them the more they will dig in their heels and not do whatever it is you wish they would do. But if you take those things to the Lord, He will listen. Pray for spiritual fruit in your spouse, for patience and courage and freedom from fear. Pray that they would find their calling and be healed from whatever is holding them back. Pray that they would make decisions that are for the good of the family and children, even if those turn out to be something different from what you want. Pray with a genuine concern for their best interests, not for your agenda.
• Turn to your friends. I think one of the problems we face in marriage is that we expect our spouse to meet our needs. It's great when they do meet our needs, but I don't think it is their job to fulfill all our emotional needs, and it is unfair to expect that. If I am feeling insecure, it is not my husband's job to compliment me and make me feel better--it is instead my job to turn to the Lord and get my security from Him. And that's where friends come in. Your same-gender friends "get" you in a way your spouse never can, and they can often fill in the gaps in your emotional needs. When I go out with my girlfriends we compliment one another, we help each other talk through parenting issues, and we pray for each other. Those are the kind of friends who will help you through the rough patches in your marriage. 
• Stay away from toxic situations. If you have friends who are really happy about their divorce, then perhaps you need to have a hard conversation with them in which you tell them that you are working on their marriage and really need them to refrain from telling you how happy they are about their divorce. If you find yourself confiding too much in a friend of the opposite sex, end that friendship before it becomes a temptation to infidelity. Read and watch things that build up marriage, not things that glorify adultery. Don't participate in husband-bashing gripe sessions (which are never okay, but especially when marriage is hard).
• Hope for better things. When marriages are really in dire straights, we need to cling to the hope that things will get better. God changes people and circumstances. God can change our spouse and draw them to Himself. God can change us to make us more content. I have seen marriages that seemed irreparably broken get healed, and it can happen to yours. I loved this testimonial about how God healed a hopeless marriage. Read those kinds of stories and dwell on them.
• Express love and kindness even when you don't feel like it. Most of the things on this list you can do without interacting with your spouse, and in that sense they seem doable even when things are really hard. But of course working on a marriage does take some interaction. C. S. Lewis famously said that we shouldn't waste time wondering if we love our neighbor, but instead should act as if we do and the feelings will follow. I have found that holds very true in marriage. So ask your spouse what you can do to make their life easier today. Compliment them. Hold their hand or give them a hug. Ask them on a date, and if you don't think you can go out to dinner without arguing then just go to a movie where you don't really have to talk. Let them overhear you telling the kids how great they are. Show them in tiny ways that you are still here, that you are trying to make things better. That you accept them as they are.

Sometimes I feel ill equipped to write about marriage because mine has been relatively easy and mostly very happy. But I've felt those disappointments and moments of loneliness just like everyone else. I've seen some unhappy marriages up close. I've seen God work miraculously in many marriages--my own and those I've observed. And I regularly do all the things on this list, which perhaps is proof that these things help.

Mondays with Martha: Abby's Favorite Home Space

The highly talented and creative Abby blogs over at To Form a More Perfect Union. Her blog is fabulous and oh-so-inspiring. And she's such a wonderful person. Abby was kind enough to send me a picture of her favorite place in her home.

Look at that natural light! And the cute cabinet in the corner. And that light fixture. Love it. And I happen to know she cooks some pretty fabulous food to go on that table.

My sweet friend Karil didn't send a picture, but did offer a description of her favorite home space: "I think my favorite spot in our house is the couch by the front window last week when the leaves outside were all yellow and gold."

How about you? I'm still waiting for a picture of YOUR favorite space.

Redeeming Halloween

I originally posted this three years ago, but it seems worth revisiting. Happy snowy Halloween to my Illinois readers!

When I was little, I celebrated Halloween without thinking much about the spirituality of it. We had a great time dressing up, carving pumpkins, and decorating--just without witches and other scary things.

When I reached high school, I had a handful of friends whose parents were opposed to Halloween and refused to particpate in any part of it. That got me thinking about my own views on the matter. At the time I concluded that there was nothing wrong with Halloween if it was celebrated Christianly.

When I had kids of my own, I followed my parents' example. But I wasn't totally comfortable with the whole thing. I mean, if Halloween celebrates death, and Christians celebrate life, how can we participate with a clear conscience? Is that participating in deeds of darkness (Rom. 13:12; Eph. 5:11)? If it had existed back then, would Jesus have celebrated Halloween while he was on earth? I sort of thought not. So even as I dressed my kids up and handed out candy, I sort of felt like a hypocrite. I felt like I was compromising with the world rather than being a light to it.

Well, this year I've found a great book on the subject, and it's revolutionized my thinking.


This is a Tyndale House book (where my husband works, so we usually get free copies of this kind of book), published in 2004, but somehow I'd never seen it before.

The authors start by talking about the history of Halloween. As you probably know, it came from All Hallow's or All Saint's day, the day that honored all the saints and martyrs. This Christian holiday was moved to October in an effort to reclaim the pagan festival called Sow-en. The point of all of this is that Halloween started out Christian, and became about death and witchcraft later. So in bringing the light of Christ to this holiday, we are taking it back to its roots. The authors write, "This book is not a plan for Halloween alternatives. We don't suggest you simply remake the world's version of Halloween. We hope to inspire you to take back the celebration that rightly belongs to the people of God and restore the purpose for which it was established." (p. 18-19). No more guilt!

Here are some of their practical tips to help Christians celebrate Halloween spiritually.

1) Have your kids dress up likes someone that represents a group they want to tell about Jesus. This can be interpreted very loosely: Ninjas represent Asia, a flapper represents people in dance clubs, sea creatures represent sailors. The point is not to limit your children, but to add a spiritual dimension to what they want to do. I'd still leave out witches and wherewolves, though. Then use the week leading up to Halloween to pray for those people.

2) Decorate in ways that show light, not darkness. Think luminaria, white lights, and harvest themes rather than witches and ghosts.

3) Jack o' lanterns were originally created to scare away evil spirits, but these too can be redeemed. The authors have great suggestions for using pumpkin carving to show spiritual truth: as you cut open the top, remind yourself to have the mind of Christ; as you clean out the seeds, think about confessing your sin to God and allowing him to get rid of all that yucky stuff; as you carve the eyes, think about ways you can avoid looking for the faults of others; as you carve the mouth, think of ways to use your words to bless others; as you light the candle, think of letting Christ's light shine in you. It might be fun to have your kids brainstorm all the spiritual truths they can think of that relate to pumpkin-carving, using some of these examples as thought-starters.

4) As you open up your door to trick-or-treaters, think of ways to be generous. Make your home inviting and fun, even wearing a costume yourself. And in my opinion, if you're going to give out Bible verses or tracts with your candy, you better have the best candy on the block. (And it better be candy, not pretzels or fruit snacks!)

5) To have fun with the "trick" part of Halloween, think of people who might need some encouragement. Help your kids make cards or buy little gifts for these people, and then leave them anonymously. Kids love sneaking around, and this is one way they can have fun and bless someone at the same time.

There are tons more ideas in the book for fun parties and more. There is a really good chapter of ideas for teachers to do with their classes.

This year I'm going to get into the true spirit of Halloween, not celebrate it halfheartedly and with a touch of guilt! I hope you will too.